Astonishing

Life happens! Live with no regrets, don't feel bad when things don't go your way, because sometimes they weren't meant to be. Be happy with what you have and the people that are apart of your life. Nothing is forever so enjoy and love every minuet you have. It's the only life we get so live it up!! ♥

I'm listening to the soundtrack of the Original Broadway Cast of "Little Women" with my roommate, Chelsea, and I'm just feeling very content with my life.

I was supposed to have rehearsal for a piece that I'm choreographing, however, the guy who was gonna be the lead hurt his knee and most of the ensemble girls aren't available. I was initially angry however I was on a photoblog and saw a picture that changed my outlook of the rest of the day.



I truley am just feeling very emotional. Not sad. But happy and beyond greatful of everything and everyone that are a part of my life. It's astonishing how something so minor as a little picture and listening to beautifully orchestrated music can change everything.

I just have to say that I love all of my friends. My roommates are my family. My biological family display so much love that it makes me always know that they are there for me, no matter what happens in  my life. Everything that can make me upset or angry, just seems so unimportant and petty. I'm feeling so much love right now. How queer! hahahaha  I think that should be all for today. I suggest listening to the OBC of Little Women. It's beautiful and inspirational!!!

:-) <3

Love Your Self Before You Love Another

So Valentines day just happened. And for the first time since my sophomore year of High school, I had a date tonight. Only difference was that my sophomore year of High school was with a girl... haha! It was just dessert and a drink but it was great. He's really sweet, and VERY cute! He's also a couple years younger than me but that really doesn't seem to matter. We just are enjoying each others company while it lasts. It makes me very happy.

The terrible thing however, is that no matter who I meet, or date, or become intimate in any way with, I always compare them to one person. I was on Tumblr earlier and I came across a picture of a sunset with words written on it. The words were the poem from "10 Things I Hate About You" and as I read it, I realized that that poem fits my life rather well...

Pretty, RIGHT!?

But it still sucks. I wonder if I'll ever be over that one guy... And I wonder that someday, if I realize I AM over that one guy, how I'll feel about that. That being said, it leaves me with a question. "Do you ever stop loving your first love?"

Beyond these silly emotions that get me all upset, I actually had a great time tonight. I'm definitely not ready for a relationship with anyone yet, considering that I'm still working on loving myself and all of my flaws. But until then, if "you" read this, Thank You for a wonderful evening.

I posted on my facebook today this status. "Loving another cannot happen until you love yourself. So to all the single people out there, You are your own valentine today so feel the love. To the Couples, Enjoy the fact that you have eachother and don't ever take that love for granted. happy valentines day everyone! ♥♥♥" I do in fact believe it, now to follow my own advice and see where it takes me.

That's all for tonight, my brain can't function enough to write any more. These two scenteces ALONE took about 10 min. HAHA

I Thank and Love You

Sometimes in our lives, little moments of inspiration and sentimentality sneak up on us and make us cry. This is one of those times for me. I was in a choreographers showcase performance a week ago today as I had stated in a previous blog, where I performed a dance with my friend, Jamie, that she and I choreographed together. It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life and to this day has left me beyond inspired. I cannot believe that I'm going to graduate college in a couple months. That thought is just mind blowing to me. The saying goes that, "College is the best time of your life." and my GOD is that true! I have met some of the most incredible people that have changed my life for ever. I have made Friends that I will have for the rest of my life. Enemies that if I never see again, I'm perfectly OK with. I've also completly found myself and my sexuality. I am a proud gay man. I'm not a huge fan of lables so I will rephrase that. I have no shame by anymeans admitting that I'm attracted sexually to other men. The "Gay" label comes with a stigma of being effeminate and flamboyant, neither of which are adjectives to describe me... I hope at least. I am attracted to masculine men. I met a guy here at school that I fell in love with. I mentioned him in my last post. He is a big part of my life, weither he is aware of it or not. I fell in love with him and was my first love. He was also my experience of first unrecipricated love. :-( But because of the rejection of those feelings, I have one of the best friends a guy could ask for.

College has changed me, not for the better, no for the worst. It just has. I am who I am today because I went to college. I realize that it's only February 11, but I'm just so excited and scared and nervous and anxious and filled with WAY too many emotions about where my life can go. There are endless possibilities. I will meet SO many more people that will change my life.

Therefore, if you are reading this and I don't know you, I love the possibility of meeting you someday.
If you are readin this and I DO know you, Thank you for having been apart of my thus far, be it whatever kind of relationship we had. It is because of you, that I am who and what I am. I thank and love you.

Falling in love with myself has begun. <3 (-:

things to do...

So BASICALLY I've been youtubing all day long and I found this video! I cried. This is truly stunning. It really sums up the relationship I had with someone. He and I are just friends now, and I prefer it that way. But for a long time this is exactly what was going through my mind.

Gay relationships- my topic of the day

I'm currently working on a piece with a friend of mine that is about old feelings involving that relationship I talked about above. It's basically will be saying that even though I will always have feelings for this person, I'm ready to move on. To be perfectly honest, cause I can be on here (it is after all only a blog), I'm not over him, and I probably never will be. So this dance that I'm working on is supposed to be the statement that I'm ready to move on, and hopefully I will be able to convince myself of that by the end of the process.

I really want to show the relationship as a strong and masculine thing, not feminine and stereotypical.

More on this topic at a later date (probably tomorrow haha) I just don't have the attention span for this right now.

Misdirection can lead to Peace

So yesterday, I woke up to realize that I have an extremly bad headcold.

I thank whatever diety above, (so as not to offend anyone) for allowing me to be placed into this weakend fragile state. I thank them because it is a reminder that nothing is forever. Sickness and disease is one of the many obstacles in our lives that inhibit us from reaching our goals and following our dreams. It can stop one in their tracks and refuse them the allowance of continuing on in their journey of perpetual self discovery.

I hate being sick.
I hate sitting out and abandoning opportunties.
I hate missing out on the world.
And yet, that's the only way of achieving good health...

There has been an occurance in my life that I cannot seem to overcome. Whenever I think of this existance, my heart breaks, over and over. Perhaps it is because of my weakend and emotionally fragile state of being, but it has been on my mind incessantly. I have been sitting out, of classes/ not attending them, in the hopes of healing my body. However given these times of non-movement, I have been allowed more time of thinking...UH OH!

In just a few short months, as I have stated in previous posts/ my info, I will be graduating College and beginning my life. I will be meeting new people and developing new relationships. I will have different lovers (human and personified), and express myself to different opportunities. Not better, not worse, but different.

With as much love and beauty in the world, there is an equal ammount of sadness and misery. We must take the good and the bad and live properly. Accept that there is a downside to every hill of accomplishments but that at the bottom of that hill there is further space to explore and travel. Eventually, a new hill will present itself and we must climb it and see the beauty and disaster that bares at its peak.

I realize that I'm kind of talking out of my A$$ but i'm enjoying this form of expression. It's a liberating experience to allow my mind to roam and survey the letter keys of my computer and let them create the images within with words. I don't really know what I'm talking about as I have already said. But I'm not really writing this as any other means than as my new form of expression and therapy, so let the words keep comming. Even if they don't stay on track of anything specific. My brain feels better already... now to get my body to feel the same...

Ready for a glass of Orange Juice and some Vitamins.... (not really, but we must do what it takes to remain in good health.)

TranscenDANCE to a new day....

So this is my second blog and I'm actually really loving this!!!!

This past weekend, Mark Kanemura, Ellenor Scott, Maria Lopes, and Jaquale Knight came and were guest judges at the Showcase performance where I performed a duet that my friend Jamie and I choreographed together. Then after the show, we got to meet with them in a private reception and talk to them and receive their feed back. They told me that they LOVED our piece. I could have cried. The next day, they each taught an hour long master class, and had a talk back with the entire group of dancers that signed up. I got my picture taken with each of them and felt like I was 8 again in Disney World.

Taking their classes was truly the reminder I needed as to why I wanted to be a dance major. Their energy and strength, and just everything about the classes truly inspired me to become better than I already am. It reminded me that I need to step up and constantly perform. Especially if that's the career that I want to be a part of and have.

I had that conversation with many of my fellow dancers and they all agreed with me. Dance has such  power over me. When I dance and have the opportunity to perform, I lose myself. Its one of the reasons actors act, or painters paint, or singers sing. I can take the choreography into my heart and dance from my soul and ust become trancended into another world, far far away from all of my problems here on earth. It reminds me that arguments, and fights and all these things that we think are so important, are just petty. There is no need for it.

I've been so inspired to just be and cannot wait to get out into the real world and do what I love, everyday for the rest of my life. So bring on today, so I can enjoy it and get to my next transcend-anced moment

May you walk proudly, step softly, and always follow the voice of your heart- Anon.

Learning to Love Myself...

There has been so much on my mind lately. I'm not quite sure where to begin.

I'll start with this...
Have you ever gotten the feeling that you are just not good enough? That nobody out there actually cares about you, or how you're feeling? I do. Almost on a daily basis actually. I'm not suicidal or depressed or anything, so anybody that is reading this, need not to call the authorities! I'm fine.

I know that I have my family and I do truly love them, but sometimes, they are just not enough or what I need. I want that one person to find me and be there for me, day and night. To make it always known that they want me around. I understand that there probably are people out there that are like that and are already in my life, but sometimes, I could honestly use the reminder.

I'm not looking for attention from anyone by saying this. I'm just saying that sometimes, I feel like I'm completly alone in the world. I now understand that I'm the only person that will be there for me. I am alone. It's an ongoing process that I'm still working on. I mean, I'm only 21 years old. I'm in my final year of college receiving my bachelor of arts degree in dance, and am about to begin my adult life in a few short months, where I honestly will be by myself. There won't be someone holding my hand, telling me that it's alright, that I am talented, and that I need to not give up. The only person that can do that for me, is me. Just saying that and actually believing it are two entirely different things however.

I've given up the opportunity of love from another person so many times, mostly, i think, because I still don't love myself. I've been emmotionally hurt numerous times, almost to the point that I want to just give up, and yet I don't. There is still something pushing me forward. I'm uncomfortable in my skin still. Although people that know me in everyday life, don't know that. I've been putting on a "face" for far too long now. I want to be ready to give into what and who I truly am. Now I just need to look even deeper into my inner thoughts and find that guy within.